In my recent post about discovering the best we can do, I mentioned the inevitability of a gap between the ideal and the real, especially for those who have high standards of personal behavior. This leads to the question: how do you figure out where you fall short?
In my experience this isn't always easy, for several reasons. First, we all like to think well of ourselves (self-deception is the easiest thing in the world), so we might not be eager to identify those gaps. Second, we live in a culture that celebrates people's strengths, but avoids talking about failings, faults, or flaws, let alone vices and sins - such antiquated moralizing! Third, not only is it difficult to be honest with ourselves, but it's also difficult to convince family, friends, colleagues, and other people to be honest with us.
One way around these obstacles, at least in the business world, is the 360˚ assessment, wherein people you work with are asked to anonymously rate you on key behaviors (e.g., delegation and communication). Another technique is to actively seek out feedback from people you interact with, for instance after you give a presentation or facilitate a brainstorming session.
When it comes to more subtle aspects of behavior, there's no substitute for emotional awareness in relation to yourself and others. As far as I can see, this comes in three primary flavors: monitoring yourself for unhealthy emotions such as anger, closely watching how other people react to what you say and do, and comparing yourself to people you interact with in person or read about in literature or biographies so that you can acquire their admirable traits or avoid their negative ones.
Naturally, this assumes that you have a modicum of emotional awareness in the first place. Over the course of my career, I worked with several people who seemed to be utterly lacking in emotional awareness; indeed, earlier in life I bore an uncanny resemblance to such people. I can't exactly explain how I pulled myself out of that hole, other than to say that at some point in my twenties I became dissatisfied with myself and formed the vague ambition to be a better person. Even then, it took me a long time to improve. Yes, that gap is still there, but at least it's not nearly as wide as it once was.
(Cross-posted at philosopher.coach.)
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