The German-born American philosopher Walter Kaufmann, best known for his translations (and postwar rehabilitation) of Nietzsche, also produced original philosophical works of great worth, as well as a fine collection of poems of which I'm quite fond. In his 1961 book The Faith of a Heretic, among other things Kaufmann attempted to sketch out a personal ethic appropriate for contemporary human beings. Although his accounts of virtues like courage and intellectual honesty span only a few pages each, they are dense with meaning. Here I'll try to summarize his perspective on what Cole Porter famously named "this thing called love".
For Kaufmann, love is not primarily a feeling but an activity: "the lover who is initially overcome by an intense emotion is gradually led to more and more profound concern about the loved one's feelings, thoughts, and welfare". However, Kaufmann observes that this is hard. Indeed, "it is hardest to love those whom we love most", because that very nearness entwines the loved one's concerns and interests so closely with your own that it's difficult to keep your head about you and understand where your responsibilities begin and end. Yet responsibility is what you absolutely must take on as you engage in mutual accomodation and adjustment to satisfy the needs of the one you love. This is perhaps clearest in parental love, but applies equally well to romantic love and friendship, too.
All of this implies that love is not always a fun experience. Kaufmann writes:
That love is pleasant is a fashionable myth, or, to be more charitable about it, the exception. The Buddha knew that love brings "hurt and misery, suffering, grief, and despair"; and he advised detachment. The love I consider a virtue is ... the love that knows what the Buddha knew and still loves, with open eyes.
Yet there are limits, even if Kaufmann doesn't spell them out. Here is one glaring example: since the time when The Faith of a Heretic was published over 60 years ago, we have become increasingly aware that in abusive relationships the hurt and misery can be intentionally imposed by the very person whose actions should instead be suffused with deep consideration and profound concern.
Abuse aside, all loves worth the name necessarily involve loss and grief if you outlive the person who is dear to you, heartache over their disappointments and late-life disabilities, and, yes, sometimes the suffering and despair to which the Buddha drew attention over 2500 years ago.
It can be a great test of character to know and experience all this, yet still love - a test made that much more difficult by the shiftless narcissism in which all too often our culture marinates the human soul. Nevertheless, the kind of love that Kaufmann describes is something we can aspire to, even if it is difficult to achieve.
(Cross-posted at Beautiful Wisdom.)
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